A great mind, a great columnist lost to cancer

Molly Ivins died of breast cancer today.

A southern liberal writer who took her politics seriously, herself lightly and believed a sense of humor to be the standard of civility will be greatly missed by members of both parties and those who enjoy pithy, memorable writing.

She joins another southern leader and humorist, Ann Richards, the first woman elected Governor of Texas, who died last September of esophageal cancer at 73.

I can imagine these two political giants of les bons mots taking a shot or two of orange juice (or whatever they drink), laughing their asses off and entertaining all the attentive angels clustered around them on that big ol' cloud they command.

Now *that* would be heaven for a whole lotta fans - progressive and conservative.

Rest in peaceful merriment, ladies.

Codependency

There is a lot of research online about a dysfunctional system of "communicating" called codependency.

Unfortunately a lot of what is written isn't explained in a way regular folks can understand. One of my actors asked that I give it a whirl on ye olde bloge so y'all can understand it clearly, so here goes:

If you edit yourself when you speak to someone because you are *sure* he or she will react in a specific way and you want to avoid that reaction? That's co-dependent.

Meaning, if what you say depends on how you believe the other person will respond? That's co-dependent.

It's based in fear - and loss of control.

Here's an example:

You decide not to tell your husband that dinner isn't ready when he comes home because you are sure he will be angry and verbally abuse you. So you create a story about where you've been that prevented you from cooking; or you have an order-in on its way for a reason you've conjured that you're sure he'll believe.

That's fear and control-based. You don't tell him the truth because you're afraid he'll be angry and you won't be able to control his reaction or the situation when or if he does actually get mad.

Fear of loss of control - the belief you won't be able to deal with the other person's (assumed) response is immediately followed by the fear that you won't be able to control the other person's (assumed) response.

Trouble is, if you're behaving this way with someone whose response is actually not predictable to you - you're assuming how the other person will respond and that is not the way they would respond at all.

But you still believe you're handling the situation by manipulating it in a way that leaves you in control. Which means that the relationship is actually based on dishonesty - yours.

You're busy manipulating and trying to control something you may not have to manipulate or control at all because you're dealing with someone who is healthy, truthful and respectful. Which leaves your partner thoroughly confused when the truth of your deceptions emerges - and the truth always emerges, sooner or later.

And you may become angry when you discover the person you've manipulated isn't anything like you assumed and imagined he or she is. You've been dealing with a mirage - someone you created rather than someone who actually exists. That's the very serious consequence of codependent behavior.

If you're afraid to tell the simple truth? If you find yourself editing what you want to tell someone for fear there will be serious repercussions?

You may want to ask yourself why you can't tell a simple truth; why you edit yourself because you're afraid of not being able to handle the other person's reactions; why you may want to manipulate a situation to (in your mind) "please" someone.

The point is not to clobber someone with the truth; it's to be able to tell the truth compassionately without fear, without the need to control the relationship or situation.

When you feel you are capable of handling anyone's response to what you say, no matter what that response is?

You are stepping away from the deceit of codependency.

The only thing telling the truth should depend on is your wish to communicate clearly in order to advance understanding and therefore the relationship.

If there is outright fear of your physical or mental well-being by telling the truth, it's time to get help.

Meanwhile, again, this is the explanation that can help you be a healthier person with good relationships.

For writers and actors developing a codependent character?

You want to figure out why the character *needs* to control the other person or situation, why s/he *must* lie and manipulate, and how s/he has the *right* to keep (mis)behaving as s/he does in a dysfunctional relationship, and why the character believes s/he is always right, no matter how wrong the behavior is in reality.

This is true whether the character's partner in crime is also dysfunctional or is the picture of health!

Road rage

Now that I have my glasses-free 20-20 vision after lasik surgery, one of my actors asked me to write about road rage.

Like, what causes road rage - because he finds himself becoming pretty testy in traffic!

I'm very fortunate because I don't drive often. But if I did? I would be frustrated with the poorly planned roadways and traffic patterns around Seattle - we have one of the worst traffic problems in the US.

Here's the problem: it's all about losing control of our own destiny.

We have a goal - to reach a certain destination. But total strangers and government imposed blockades (signal lights, poorly planned roadways, etc.) prevent us from reaching that destination in what we believe to be a reasonable time.

Think of a football game. Every time one team tries to reach its goal - a touchdown - the other team is there to prevent them from reaching that goal!

That's what it's like being in congested traffic - like playing in a football game in which the other team is a million or so cars and trucks. Only you are the football!

Interestingly, governments are putting out public service notices on television and radio instructing us to chill out - to relax, take a deep breath and figure out a way to enjoy your long communte or being stuck in traffic.

Um, trying to keep drivers passive about suffering through their daily plight is no proper or positive solution to a problem that needs better highway engineering, mass transit and transportation planning.

Those with short fuses aren't paying any attention to those messages anyway - and they aren't so forgiving. If they feel choked off from reaching their goal by *one* too many people, they can explode like a two year-old wanting his blocks - NOW!

The frustration that spills over for them has resulted in road rage violence and death.

But that's the cause of road rage: feeling you have no control over your destination, feeling trapped and unable to create a better solution to reach your goal in a reasonable period of time.

What I do, however, is get off congested highways and take backroads as often as possible, which don't ever seem to be as clogged as the main highway arteries!

At least until I told *you.* ;-)

The written word

The pen is mightier than the sword.

The creation of some form of this proverb dates back to 1571 in Europe.

It's probably in keeping with Johannes Gutenberg's printing press, which he created in 1450, the beginning of making the written word available to the masses in Western culture - although Chinese printers record the oldest dated example of their block printing in the Diamond Sutra, dating to 868.

The Diamond Sutra is also known as "The Sutra of the Perfection of Wisdom of the Diamond that Cuts Through Illusion." It's a short Mahayana Sutra of the Perfection of Wisdom genre, which teaches the practice of the avoidance of abiding in extremes of mental attachment.

Of course, the point of the pen/sword concept is that people who are educated - people who can read and learn - are more capable of problem solving constructively, overcoming corruption, injustice and malevolence for the long term with intelligence and information than those whose only means of overpowering those who disagree with them is violence, cruelty and weaponry that harms or kills - a short-term "solution" at best.

History shows that the less educated the fighter, the more apt he or she is to rely on violence, torture and death as the weapon of choice. The long-range consequences are not evaluated, let alone considered because most violent acts are made as a knee-jerk reaction as opposed to a carefully planned long term solution.

Normally, people who use violence want to control the behavior and resources of whomever is their target.

To expand this premise - psychological abuse is also a violent means of controlling personal relationships and used by individuals and institutions such as business, religion, governments and even education. Manipulation, coercion, threats, physical punishments, "the silent treatment," and other abusive behaviors are common.

Again, it's all an effort for the abuser to try (desperately) to maintain control over others and their resources.

To come full circle: it is the ability to read and write that, according to our proverb, can prevent or stop this abuse because we can outsmart the corrupt, exploiters, degenerates and monsters.

As you read stories of war, of leaders who believe violence is the solution to any problem and of those who conduct barbaric acts in the name of God or an emotional blind allegiance rather than reason -- you may want to ask yourself if they are capable of being influenced by the pen (education, a reasoned approach), or if they are only vulnerable to being controlled through their emotions.

Interestingly, many leaders who push and plan violent acts are educated, but they count on their followers to be uneducated, bigoted, vengeful or in some way easily manipulated through their emotions.

Last, but not least, the point is that the sword's actions are instant, as are the results. But they only compound the problem with more violence, need for revenge, rage and other knee-jerk responses.

The actions and reasoned results from using the pen are meant to be constructive and everlasting.

Just like the proverb.

The Eyes Have It!

Saturday I'm getting lasik surgery - so I won't have to wear glasses any longer.

I went through a very thorough exam today, and as I spoke with my ophthamologist, Dr. Matthew Sharpe, M.D, he made some comments I thought lots of directors and actors might like to read.

First, there are hundreds of thousands of people in the eye health care profession throughout the world - all of whom, we agreed, watch films and TV.

Deal is - they can all recognize plain glass in glasses frames when they are used for props by actors in roles. Which means as soon as they recognize the clear glass lens, they're pulled out of the story and their suspension of disbelief - which we rely on to keep them keyed into our films from beginning to end - and they scoff that they're phony!

Aha.

I explained that when we put glasses on characters/actors, it's a visual metaphor for the character not seeing something clearly: life as it actually unfolds around them; their life as they actually live it; other people; the past, the future, whatever.

Well, all except for Superman. Clark Kent *should* have clear lenses because he sees everything very clearly and we understand that is merely a (rather weak) prop to obfuscate his identity. It's OK because we the audience are in on the gimmick -- we understand that Mr. Kent is Superman, although the lack of phone booths has put a cut in his attire-changing strut!

So here's what Dr. Sharpe suggests: with the help of an ophthamologist, the actor can be fitted for contact lenses that muddle the actor's vision ... and then given glasses with a proper prescription lens that will give the performer 20-20 peepers!

I know there have been cases in which actors have used heavy-lensed glasses that made them dizzy and even nauseous because their vision is perfect without them.

Here's an idea to help them out.

Of course, the budget and cooperation of ophthamologists will be the final determining factors for implimenting a more accurate pair of glasses on characters in films - particularly indie films.

Meanwhile, Dr. Sharpe says he'd be happy to answer questions from directors, writers and actors regarding eyes, vision health, vision problems and solutions. You can reach him at Matthew Sharpe, to send him an email.

Be sure to tell him you received his name from me!

No I did NOT get any sort of a kickback, discount or payment from him or the company for writing this blog! It's just for your information and discussion! :-)

I know it certainly gave me something to think about regarding future use of glasses for character props!

Impressions

A group of men who got together to drink after work often was the topic of a study I heard about several years ago - if you know the citation I'd love for you to send it to me.

Basically, the men were videotaped at the bar where they gathered almost nightly for drinks - usually several.

The men would come to work the next morning in varying states of sobriety or hangover - but all swearing they had a great time the night before as they happily reviewed the fantastic experiences and laughs they shared!

They were shocked to see the video of their evening - which showed them mostly sitting in silence, often looking downright sad as they drank their night away - only occasionally bursting out in laughter or cheering a sports team if they were watching a game on the bar TV.

Instead of showing the effects of socializing with co-workers after work hours, the study showed the effects of alcohol abuse on the impressions the men had about their experiences at the bar. The men were pretty upset to see themselves "in real life" looking quite unlike they saw themselves - the impressions that they recalled about the night before.

Interesting how we need to remember some things - particularly the notion that sometimes we want to remember things in ways they actually did not happen. I wonder why we try like hell to hang on to how we were *sure* something happened or didn't happen or who said what or who didn't do this or who did that to make our perceived perceptions right, even though they might be completely wrong.

Usually, in these cases, we're only a conversation away from the truth - but it's a conversation we refuse to initiate because ... well, I can only guess we're afraid of that truth; of that reality.

Silly humans.

Animals don't have this problem.

They always live in the moment of truth - going for what they want and need. No need to manipulate, convince, contrive or obfuscate life as it actually occurs.

I'm not certain people are strong enough to deal with life as it actually occurs.

Seems that we have to create ways to explain things in order to suit our individual beliefs - whether it's the origin of the human species or who is to blame for our unhappiness. This way we make ourselves feel we're still in control.

Even though we never really are in control of anything but our own thoughts and feelings. I mean, face it. When we lie in bed in the dead of night - that's all we have. I guess the question is whether those thoughts and feelings help us or hurt us as we plan to wake up and live the next day.

NBTT is a bona fide hit!

The actors' reading of my comedy feature screenplay, Nothing But The Truth, got rave reviews - and most importantly, tons o' laughs .. and in the right places!

Thanks to the Lake City branch of the Seattle Public Library, we had a great room in which to hold it.

Some great notes* were made by the participants - some of which I built upon right then and there as they were mentioned.

In attendance was the fantastic script supervisor Kay Taylor - with whom I've worked and always enjoy her feedback because it's so constructive. Kay has worked on huge Hollywood and minor indie films over the years - so her understanding of character, drama and structure for the screen is impeccable.

Kay worked on Peter Boyle's last film before he passed away in December, and has very fond memories of him.

The cast really kicked booty! I am so fortunate that these exceptionally talented artists were willing to put all the work they did into this reading - preparing and performing, not to mention traveling long distances to be here!

One of them passed up a significant audition to participate today; another made it back from an audition interview in LA just in time for the reading - and she got the gig! She was cast in the lead of a Warner Independent film (details when they can be made public) to be made this coming fall.

Thank you all!

Patricia Gauthier narrated the action; Michael-Ellyn played the mercurial Angela, Kevin Hart won hearts as Gary, Rodrigo DeMedeiros wowed us as the duplicitous Yaro, Agnes Muljadi was all over the map as the multi-faceted, wise Inona and Mike Liu impressed us with his rendition of the ambitious, win-at-all-costs lawyer Brad.

Other outstanding cast members include one of the Northwest's top character actresses and voice-over talents (always a delight to work with!), Dolores Rogers, joined by the exceptionally talented AJ Tolliver, William Wiese, Sara Klein, Shannon Colcher and Kristen Hulscher.

Assisting me is Lance Myers - who has a rich background in drama and whose insights and understanding of film is outstanding. He's going to be a big help to me.

Thanks to the reading today, my work on the rewrite will be a breeze - it also helps that there's not that much for me to do in order to take it to a highly producable level. Imagine - a good film with lots of commercial potential!

The only problem I encountered: I forget that I am recovering from major surgery and did *far* too much starting early this morning - so I started feeling quite ill and had to leave as everyone was enjoying the snacks after the performance.

I slept for a couple hours - then got up to write this blog - several readers (people from *68* nations tune in to my blog almost daily!) wanted to know how it went!

The rewrite should be finished within a week or two (depending on my coaching schedule), then it's ready to show established producers and backers, some of whom are waiting to see the script!

Meanwhile, I realize I need to start taking pictures of this process - I can't believe I forgot my camera today so I could show you photos of the cast et al - even during the performance!

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*notes = suggestions. For some reason in the biz of show, people don't like to use the words "suggestions" or "direction" or "criticism." Instead they say, "I have a note for you..."

Whew!

I'm pretty excited to be *almost* back on track with my production schedule, despite major surgery, the death of my nearly 20 year old cat, the holidays, health problems suffered by my aging parents and losing nearly three months from a communication failure.

Saturday's public screenplay reading of Nothing But the Truth at a local Seattle library will be a notable turning point because the rewrite should not take long, thanks to the performance of the actors involved. Producing the documentary STOP! and art film Freedom are coming right behind, as well as my feature thriller script Everyday Evil and the two books I'm writing.

Recovering from surgery et al means I'm slowly gearing my acting coaching practice back up again. I currently coach 18 people - eek!

And I shall also soon interview a superstar actor for my movieScope magazine column on acting for the camera.

My creative writers' club resumes next week along with a great poetry class I'm taking-

All this while socializing a ten-week old kitten whose favorite pasttime is swinging from the rafters and finding things to push off, over, down and away from their shelves and counter homes!

I'm getting tired from simply thinking about these things, let alone listing them along with everything else I'm doing!

I know what you're asking: But is she happy?

Um, doing what I love to do with the terrific, amazing and talented people who surround me?

Heck yeah. ;-)

The script is sent!

Nothing But The Truth is first-draft finished and sent out to all the actors who are performing in the actors' reading Saturday.

Some special guests also received copies of the script for feedback.

What happens is that actors sit in a semi-circle and read all the roles with a narrator reading the action parts ... so I - and the audience - can hear clearly how well the story moves, how the dialogue sounds, any problems of structure, etc.

In addition to "industry" folks and people who will potentially work on producing the film, there will be "earthlings," regular folks who can say what they enjoyed and what they thought sucked. I am not extremely sensitive about feedback, because everyone is giving me their best thoughts in an effort to make it great.

In fact, I enjoy it. When people give feedback at all, it means they got involved enough with the story and characters to CARE about what happens.

Then I can do a tough rewrite based on this reading and feedback (my own as well as theirs) - meaning I will be very tough on myself and all the areas of the script that need improving.

It should mostly be an entertaining afternoon for the audience!

I love having actors' readings of my work because it also spawns so many ideas - I hear where I had a nugget of an idea that needs to be expanded, or a bit that needs to be followed up or wrapped up; missed opportunities for great acting or dialogue.

The actors love it too because they have the opportunity to create at least a couple new characters and aren't under pressure to committ anything to memory, plus they can show off their acting chops to special guests who are in a position to cast them in other work!

Production-types can decide whether this is a project that they would love to be part of.

My plan is to have Nothing But The Truth independently produced, and properly done (35mm film) it has considerable commercial distribution potential so the investors can actually make their money back!

This is one of three projects I'm developing - the others are a kick-ass documentary and an art film whose script an Academy Award-winning director proclaimed "brilliant." Brilliant, perhaps, but not commercial.

I'm just relieved that the first draft of Nothing But The Truth is finally ready for me to let go of it enough to have actors read it for an audience (and me!). And that despite all the life challenges I've dealt with the past couple months I'm still in shape to move forward with it, maintaining my production schedule for 2007.

To all the actors and audience members coming Saturday - see you there!

Saying good-bye

For the past two days, after dealing with my feelings of grief, realizing that my 19 year-old cat (two months short of 20) Cagney was dying, I made sure everything was upbeat and everyone happy so she could go in an atmosphere of love and affection.

One piece of great news: the vet gave me some medication that she believes will make a significant difference in Oscar's arthritis, helping him move much more easily.

A reprieve! He got some extra hugs.

So we all set up a normal home vibe.

A very weakened Cagney laid in her usual spot most of the day - where she could look at us as if we were a television program when she was awake. I have a feeling she thinks of us as some sort of creature sitcom.

This morning a compassionate veterinarian and her assistant came over to help Cagney pass on to the next life peacefully. I don't think she'll have to be reincarnated because it seems to me she pretty much learned what she had to in the life she lived as Cagney the cat.

I rescued her from a family whose kids set off firecrackers in the closet where her mother and siblings nested - the kittens did not yet have their eyes open. To this day I don't know if those kids understand the damage they did to those kittens and their mom.

I called her Cagney because the plan was to get another kitten - Lacey. But she was such a handful after being so traumatized it took me six years to get her, mercifully, socialized. I couldn't handle another cat! The other kittens in her litter and their mother met some pretty sad demises by the time she was two, so she was the only real survivor of the group.

This morning the vet said that some animals never get over that sort of trauma, no matter how good a home is provided. That made me feel pretty special.

BTW, never name an animal after someone with a personality disorder to begin with. The character of Cagney was a drinking alcoholic who had several issues and demons to overcome because she was from an alcoholic, dysfunctional family.

I kidded that Cagney the cat had a drinking problem as well - milk, milk, milk.

Actually her behavior problems were so serious, one of my roommates when Cagney was a kitten was a child development psychologist and would help me work out some of the significant personality/psychological disorders she suffered.

But come year number six? She became an ideal cat. Cuddly, quiet, attentive, rushing up the driveway when I came home, affectionate, soft as silk kitty.

And that's the way she's stayed for the past 13 years as Oscar and Mistletoe, my wee Pomeranians, and kitten Allie have joined our ranks.

The vet - who will always be welcomed in my home - gave the once over to the other pets to make sure everyone was fit, she said that yes, Cagney was ready to move on. The time was perfect - not too early, not too late. That was a relief.

It was also wonderful to share this touching experience with my friend Shannon, who has a cat creature she adores. Her support was incredibly meaningful to me.

I cuddled Cagney in my arms as the vet administered the first drug to help her go into a deep sleep before the final drug is administered. As she went to sleep, I petted her soft fur tenderly - I've never known a cat with such soft fur - and told her how much I loved her; how thankful I was to share the past 19 years with her - what a good girl she was and how happy I was that she was with me.

Oscar and Mistletoe sat next to me and Cagney, Missy especially was curious about what was going on with Cagney - they were bedmates.

Through it all, little Allie, my 10-week old kitten, dashed around, swinging from the rafters and playing with all the veterinarian's supplies - not to mention jumping on her and her assistant's backs as they sat on the floor, preparing to free Cagney from her suffering.

She had been playing with Cagney this morning and slept with her on her pillow last night.

And so the time came to say good-bye to Cagney for good - in this physical form, anyway.

The vet said, "You're doing a wonderful thing for her. Imagine dying in your best friend's arms being told how much you are loved."

And she was.

Rest in peace, my dear little Cagney. Rest in peace.

Confidence!

Greg Behrendt said it on his TV program:

"Confidence is just a series of victories strung together!"

Not huge victories - *little* victories.

But it all relies on what I call living awarely.

When we're aware of the victories we enjoy; the good job we do, keeping our word to ourselves and others, the payoffs come!

In other words if you're aware that just getting out of bed is a victory, you give yourself credit for achieving and starting your day off with a victory!

If then you tell yourself "good job!" after you do pop out of the sack -- you are even more aware of achieving that victory and doing it *well!*

Then if you give yourself credit for keeping your word to yourself - let's say you promised yourself you would get up, and at that specific time - you can chalk up another "minor" victory, which tallies up to a huge victory just for getting out of bed when you said you would!

Simple things make the greatest and most meaninful victories - whether washing your face, brushing your teeth, snuggling your pet, spending time with a friend holding her baby for her, taking time to chill with a pal who needs a little pick-me-up, enjoying a view.

Victories, all.

They won't matter, however, if you don't make them matter. If you're not aware of them? They're simply things you do that are lost to the ether.

BTW, this is the one thing I find makes such a difference in the quality of relationships: being aware of other people's victories and pointing them out when you observe them!

It helps you appreciate the other person more, in turn they appreciate themselves more - they become more aware, and they appreciate you more for noticing!

When you make these victories matter and you do these things awarely, you realize how many life victories you are stringing together. When you realize that? Your confidence increases - especially when you push your life's envelope further and further to do what you want to do, make a dream come true or do what it takes to follow your passion.

I hope you string a *fabulous* series of life victories together today to create a more confident glow - and better relationships!

Reluctant responsibility

Cagney is dying.

She's been trying so hard to hang in there, to be around me I'm sure - but it's becoming so sadly clear: 19 years and eight lives later, it's time for her to cash in #9.

She actually got her own Christmas card from Tom - so perhaps she thinks life is complete. Tom indicated I should put milk and *tuna* out for Santa Claus ...

Life gets complicated when one's brother starts commisserating with one's pets ...

She drinks a little water and eats almost nothing - even her favorite things. She's lost considerable weight and can't really afford to lose a gram.

I *hate* that we as humans have to declare any final date, but that's the responsibility we take when when we adopt them, isn't it, since we've taken them out of their natural wild habitat?

When I got Allie, I told Cagney beforehand that I brought her home to put a little fun in her life - and she actually has. The kitten follows her around, playing as much as Cagney will allow, and has taken to sleeping next to her near her favorite heating vent, which I know brings her comfort.

Missy and the kitten sleep against her at night on the bed as well; I've taken to carrying her around more during the day.

But I said I also wanted to let her know that I'm taken care of by another animal spirit .. she can let go if she wants. The next three days will tell the story. She either snaps back or .... she lets go. We can't do anything more for her medically, nor would I want to. I don't want to keep her alive to keep my heart from breaking because it is already breaking, knowing what is coming.

She is such a good sweet kitten; she's curled up in my arms now. She is a success for me; because the family from whom I rescued her had kids who set off fire crackers in the closet with her mom and her siblings before any of the kittens had opened their eyes.

It took me 6 years for her to stop being afraid and aggressive and to start enjoy being held and cuddled and snuggled and simply loved. When she realized she didn't have to protect herself all the time, it was as if she found the most wonderful experience in the world -- and decided she wanted it ALL the time!

We finally worked something out because she generally doesn't appear when others are here; that's changed over the past several months as well. Life has become all about gettin' the love.

I have no idea how many people have been surprised to see her enter the room in her slowly sauntering way, sure to be noticed. "You have a cat? Wow. I had no idea you had a cat!"

She would then sit next to them regally, as if she is now OBLIGATED to receive their adulation and caresses. Um-hum.

I try that ... and nothing. Except strange looks. Raised eyebrows. Yes, I'm afraid my animal magnetism is, indeed, confined to .. animals.

More:

Allie is so healthy with so much energy I now clearly see how poorly Oscar is doing with his arthritis. He doesn't *seem* to be hurting, and I'm giving him medication to make him more comfortable, but he's still so very rickety, it's clear he struggles to get around.

His heart condition is managed, but it's getting more difficult to watch him push himself to get around.

My first response is that he's still so happy, loving, and of course watching my every move as always. I can't imagine taking that away from either of us. But ... but...

I don't know what on earth I shall do about him or without him at this point. Even the thought of him not being here - especially if I lose Cagney this coming week - is nothing short of unbearable.

It took two years to socialize my little guy after his suffering such an incredibly difficult first 8 months of life - expecting him to reach that typical Pom age of 16. It will be hard to appreciate all the sensational time we've had without feeling cheated out of those last five years.

It's been difficult taking a couple weeks off work because of my surgery; but I know I'll have to take time off if I have to let go of both of them the same week.

You know, overall I think I've been a pretty good caretaker for these little guys over the years .. but today, even though they're bunched up on or next to me, I feel like the worst caretaker ever. I definitely could have done better here and there.

Miracles happen, but sadly, the road ahead appears clearly marked.

A compassionate vet will come to the house. Surrounded with love and all the smells and comfort of home, I'll hug my furpals tightly as we say merci et au revoir -- Thank you; 'til we meet again.

Shalom! for any actor, writer, story teller

There's a program on the TLC Channel I highly recommend to all story telling artists: Shalom in the Home. It translates to, "Peace in the Home."

It's an individual personality/family/relationship reality series hosted by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach - and what I really love about it from a creative standpoint is that it shows the *causes* of personal unhappiness and family functionality/dysfunctionality.

The why of the person's self-defeating or self-destructive behavior is addressed

Any writer, actor or individual who creates or performs another individual can find a gold mine of "background" information for just about any personality or relationship situation - functional and dysfunctional.

This is definitely a show for people of all faiths and none, athough Rabbi Boteach points out systemic cultural problems that contribute to individual, relationship and family malaise that by some might be seen as spiritual. But the episodes I've seen have more of a common sense rather than strictly spiritual approach.

Some of the programs are very touching, others entertaining, amusing or riveting - each has been well worth my time as a viewer and an artist. Lots of good ideas and personalities there!

Malicious gossip

Several years ago I worked in television news as a commentator and one of the bosses.

An unnamed tension was buidling among the news staff - I needed to find out why.

I was told the women reporters did not want to be assigned to work with a specific photographer. Why? Because they were told he assaulted a woman reporter with whom he shot a story at the last station he worked - because they had differences about how the story should be done.

I was stunned, because I thought I knew this photographer and his temperament well - he shot coverage footage as well as special story coverage in the field with me.

My investigation of the personality and the rumor simply didn't add up. I considered it downright suspicious.

But, the story was believed by the staff and dissention continued to build.

Time for a little bread and butter journalism/detective work.

I tracked down the original source. Turns out, the member of my staff who started the story knew someone at the photographer's former station - which is where he heard it.

Uh-huh.

OK. More work.

Cut to the chase.

I called the news director at that station and asked him about his impressions of the photographer. Terrific on all counts. Work and good to work with. Very smart. Informed.

Anything else?

No, why.

Any problems with him being temperamental, abusive-

Absolutely not. Oh, one time he got into an argument with a diva reporter here and told her to stop speaking disrespectfully to him and the other photographers. He felt she wasn't treating them professionally. She complained that he was out of line, but he wasn't at all. I backed him up 100% - I was ready to speak with her about her inappropriate treatment of our shooters. But he beat me to it. That's it.

That's it.

That's it.

Thanks.

Great. This is a major market *newsroom.* We are all supposed to be journalists and someone working here is being treated like a pariah - based on malicious gossip whose veracity was never checked.

I called in the staff member who initiated the rumor and told him what happened - the truth. He was horrified. He called his source at the photographer's former station in front of me, who said the woman reporter told him about the so-called assault.

When asked about it directly, she recanted her story and admitted it was more like an argument. But she still insisted she was verbally abused and took no responsibility for her actions.

The staff member said he passed on the story because he was concerned about one of the women reporters here who was a friend. I had him tell the photographer directly what actually happened, what he said to the staff, why he said it and apologize to the photographer.

Then I instructed him to tell every person he told the real story, with an apology for passing on a story that was basically malicious gossip. More, that the person he told had to do the same for anyone she or he may have passed the story on to.

Fortunately, the offending staff member, when confronted with the truth, took responsibility for his behavior - for spreading a vicious rumor, hurting an innocent man: tarnishing his reputation as well as creating a hurtful work atmosphere, discomfort for him as well as creating a negative ambience in the workplace.

After everyone was notified, I held a staff meeting to clear the air and celebrate the photographer who had been suffering for months because of the nebulous ill will floating in the air that he could never pinpoint or understand.

He described the exchange between the reporter and himself, which was hardly an altercation, let alone an assault. Nonetheless the reporter was livid that he criticized her, and even more so that the news director supported him when they told his boss about their exchange. The reporter is generally seen as the leader in the photographer-reporter team.

A hearty discussion followed about lessons learned and the unfortunate outcome that could have resulted if this lie had not been smacked on the back of the head when it was with the truth.

Fortunately, this story had a happy ending - and there was a significantly increased sensitivity in the newsroom regarding not only social conversation and behavior but, more importantly, news coverage.

The parallel between personal behavior and professional and ethical behavior became pretty clear.

Double check the facts. Always.

As someone who has been hurt by untruthful gossip in the past, I can only encourage you to ask for evidence when someone passes on malicious words about someone - even if it's someone you don't particularly care for.

Left to grow in its own bacteria, hurtful, malicious, gossip like my newsroom story can turn into a legal mess, engendering lawsuits and legal payoffs - not just involving the station (workplace) but every inividual along the line who passed on the misery-making mess.

All of it unnecessary if it's investigated, the truth found and the falsehoods nipped in the bud.

BTW, if gossip, investigated, turns out to be factual? It's no longer gossip but fact. And needs to be dealt with as fact.

Feeling in love!

I'm not talking about falling in love - I'm talking about feeling in love.

It's a sensation I tend to enjoy just about all the time.

Sometimes it's misunderstood because people about whom I feel quite neutral wonder if ... maybe .. they .. might be the target .. of all that energy.

Nope. Pas de tout! (Not at all!)

It's just the way I feel in general ... and exude.

I can't say when it began to brim over so completely - but it was several years ago.

It might be a spiritual experience - not related to any specific individual, but to life and living as a whole - everything living and life have to offer - which makes this state of near nirvana possible.

People come and go, but life goes on.

And life offers ventures and undertakings to fall and be in love with every day, whether it's perceived as an intensely positive episode or an unhappily negative ordeal. It's all valuable, it's all to be embraced and learned from - it's all life.

It's also the result, as is happiness itself, of overwhelming gratitude. Making a daily gratitude lists may have led to my state.

I have had the great experience of actually being in love with someone and that joy never left me, though the relationship ended tragically - and almost immediately. That sense is regenerated daily but does not need a "target" for that to happen. Just the experiences and memories I rack up.

I'm also aware of loving way more things than I don't like.

I've been around people whose primary statement of and about life seems to be "I hate that!" because they say it a lot.

I tend to say, "Oh, I love (wha'-evah)!" But only because it's my genuine reaction.

And, perhaps even more importantly, I make sure I'm around people who are affirming, supportive and who are not afraid to show affection for those they care about and even use the word "love" when they honestly feel that way!

Surrounding myself with affectionate pets also makes a difference. They don't have the guile to mislead or deceive and can always be trusted to behave the way they honestly feel.

I love that!

Trust

Trust plays a large part in the adventure of materializing anything considered "art."

Creative people must trust they can fabricate something out of "nothing," whether it's a book, story, script, dance, fashion, performance, painting, drawing, sculputure or film.

*How* we conceive ideas and concoct whatever we do is no secret.

Having a system helps - allowing material to float into the mind and soul (listen, view, touch, smell, taste, read), then cogitate, experience and express whatever has been let in; followed by the development of thoughts and concepts.

But the trust - or faith - element in the process means that we need to be open so the thoughts or visions from wherever can float in. If we restrict what we allow in, our vision will always be restricted.

Many artists consider the creative evolution a spiritual venture. Denzel Washington, in his Academy Award-winning role in Glory, said that he called upon spirits throughout the universe who could help him as he created his memorable performance for the film.

Others believe an energy moves through them, that their human artist acts in concert with a spiritual partner in the execution of their art.

Whatever beliefs we have about any spiritual element influencing our visions, it's always wise to explore them; in that journey alone we can discover as much about ourselves as we do the creative process.

Investments

The best investment you can make?

You.

Your mind, body and heart.

Education, fun, inspiration, direction, guidance, healthy stuff and food, nurturing, rewards, endorphin-producing activities, love, growth, purpose, goals, friendships, art and insight.

Each pays invaluable dividends - exponentially - the rest of your life.

Shrunk!

OooooooooK ....

Just starting to come out of the maze and drugs and all ..

Interesting, as I was checking out, the hospital gave me a list of things I should do to take care of myself and what symptoms indicate infection, at which time I should call them immediately.

Fortunately I had a friend there to help me remember all of them.

With that there was a list of what I SHOULD NOT do for three weeks surrounding the surgery.

One of which is to NOT SIGN any legal documents.

Then at the end of all the care-taking, contact, etc., lists there was one last request - I'm sure to make sure they are legally covered in case I don't follow the many instructions outlined on the pages:

To sign the release papers.

Wait. Aren't they a .. legal .. ??

Of course I signed and noted the irony with the check out nurse, who took the matter very seriously. I assured her my intent was to merely point out the humor.

At the mercifully pain drug-riddled time, I used the word humor instead of irony because I couldn't remember the definition of ironic and tried to remember the lyrics to Alanis Morrisette's Isn't It Ironic? to see if I got it right. I decided not to start singing the song - it's pretty loud and angry... but to wait until I was a little more conscious and ...

Wait. Isn't there some sort of controversy about her definition of ironic in that song? That perhaps she should have said "coincidental" instead. Coincidental doesn't really flow, musically, does it .. nor give it that ascerbic, bitter sound one needs for the sad little examples she uses-

Oh, never mind. Another day and I should be mobile and communicative.

Will says my new name should be "Perky."

A good sign.

Post-op

Stayed in the hospital overnight and half the day because of unexpected surgical complexities and complications, but my doctors are *the best!*

So I'll be resting for several days now.

But I am exremely happy with the outcome!

Surgery

Today I'm undergoing surgery that is going to alter my life in such a great way: breast reconstruction and reduction.

It's ta ta to my ta-ta's!

After undergoing four operations on "Shirley" (right) to remove the cancer, she was much smaller than "LaVerne" (left). Following months of chemotherapy and radiation, the cancer was beaten out of my system - but Shirley shrank even more.

And neither started out unnoticed.

Let's put it this way: when I went jogging, my face took a beating when LaVerne and Shirley whipped back, smacking me with every step!

When I emerge this afternoon, the Girls will be small enough for me to run like the wind, do cartwheels, backflips and lie *flat* on my stomach!

I admit, it will be a new for me to start at ground level when I do push-ups. That was a decent "up" side to generous mammaries. I was already raised halfway to the "up."

I've lost quite a bit of weight, too, so when the surgery is complete, I'll have a different body than I did a year ago!

Two friends are taking me, staying through the surgery, bringing me home and staring at me this evening when I'm home to make sure there are no complications.

So, Beloved Reader, when next you check in on my blog, I'll be the new CP Lite!

In fact, after recovery, I'm going to feature current photos of me and me in action on my website!

Wish me *well!*

Second chances

The most important person to whom you can give a second chance?

You.

This instant.

New kitten arrives New Year's Eve!

She's wonderful - very well behaved and socialized thanks to the Seattle Animal Shelter foster care plan.

She was found with her siblings and mother in an alley - filthy and sick. So they were taken in by shelter "kitty foster care parent" Lesley, a pre-med student, who nursed them back to health and help them get adopted.

This was the last kitten in the litter to be adopted .. possibly because her shelter name was "Torpedo Burrito" in honor of her high energy level!

I'm sure a lot of people thought, "Um. Torpedo. Burrito." Then looked around their home, imagining their fine curtains in shreds, stuffed furniture in rubbles and a kitten skiing across the dining room table after swinging from the chandeliers screaming, "Areeeeeba! Areeeba!"

Um, no. She plays crazy the way kittens do but nothing that can't be redirected.

I *almost* did not get her. Because of Lesley's sporadic schedule, it looked as if I would not get to see her in time! Other people had seen her and wanted her. Lesley knew they would provide a good home.

But to be fair, Lesley asked them to wait until I saw her since I asked to see her before they did.

When I saw her? It was not only love at first sight, but because of my experience as a volunteer at the animal shelter for two years and many years practicing my avocation as a pet calmer, her foster mom realized this would be the match made in heaven.

I then went to the shelter and filled out adoption papers, paid for her, and made arrangements to pick her up the following day.

Unbelieveably, when I showed up again at Lesley's, the kitten rushed up to me and sat at my feet - the way a dog normally does. What a great sign!

"She knows. And she's really happy to be going home with you," said Lesley. She knew she made the right decision, choosing me as the kitten's new owner.

Ultimate brilliance!

I picked up my new 2.5 pound kitten, stopping to pick up a few things on the way home - like a couple more toys and pooper scooper for the litterbox; I had everything else.

Her main room is the bathroom - it contains all her things and has been a haven of safety, fun and food. She was locked in so she could not get out and "visitors" could not get in without my permission. I visited her often the first 16 hours she was in there; the other pets were instructed not to enter.

She understands after a day of this interaction that I am her "alpha leader" - her source of safety, food, love, freedom, affection, toys and fun, and direction.

I should add, "health." She must still be given antibiotic liquid medication twice a day for more than a week.

This morning she was allowed to explore a couple more rooms and interact a bit with the other pets, though she won't see the whole house until Friday. The slower the expansion of area for the newbie, the better for everyone.

Unlike pets I ordinarily adopt, she has no behavioral or physical problems, she just needs to be trained as any ordinary kitten does, so it's been a breeze to integrate her with the family.

She is acclimating beautifully with my two Pomeranians, Oscar and Mistletoe (5 pounds each) and 19 year-young cat Cagney (7 pounds); they've been telepathically working out their pecking order in the pack and as I write this on my laptop, they are all sleeping next to me on the couch.

After struggling for days to figure out what I should name her, I decided on "Allie." In honor of Alfred Hitchcock, my favorite director, and the fact that she is an "allie cat." Get it? Found in an alley and-

Oh. Right, right.

You get it.

OK.

My coachees are going to *love* her (I've got a special pad to trap kitty dander and fur along with an air purifier for those who are allergic - who will only see her at a distance!) - and she will love everyone because she's so social; I also hope to take her to visit my First Place students, since the kids are homeless, chances are they can't have pets.

Yes, indeed, 2007 is definitely stepping off on the right paw.

Foot.

Off on the right foot. ;-)

May your every day in 2007 be blessed!

And so ends another year, Beloved Reader.

You started out my Gentle Reader and have now become Beloved.

Without knowing you individually, I have come to feel as if I know you - and have this .. calling .. to share something that will, hopefully, enrich your life or inspire you (and me!) almost daily.

Readers tell me they start their day with my blog, so I belive it's important for me to be here for you!

Website statistics report there are tens of thousands of visitors from 61 nations tuning in to my blog, though you tend not to leave comments. I hope you'll let me know what you're thinking this year!

2007 is going to be the greatest, most wonderful, fulfilling and successful year ever for me, so as I told you a couple days ago, I have decided to share my good fortune by becoming a volunteer teacher/coach at a school for homeless kids in Seattle called First Place.

I want to contribute what I can to enhancing the lives of these youngsters. Several years ago I ran a very successful program for at risk kids using my camera. Kids love to see themselves on TV. They work and try harder when they know they are going to be captured on camera as they give a report, share their math homework, whatever.

While I've not been homeless, my family moved 17 times by the time I was 17 (military brat, me), so I know what it feels like to never have a place to call "home" on a map. But I learned that my home is where my heart is - where ever I happen to be.

But I *have* learned to nest, living in a personality-filled cottage nestled in a little known woodsy area of North Seattle for nearly 15 years.

My New Year Resolutions are already kicking in! I've already completed some (like getting a new kitten from the animal shelter!) and am on a roll with all the others.

Meanwhile, I figured out:

A VERY SMART WAY TO START THE NEW YEAR!

Reading Stephen King's book On Writing - I realized something his mother did for him that surreptitiously set him up for financial success: she paid him to write.

Yep. When he was a kid, she gave him a quarter for every entire story he wrote on his own.

He had been copying stories he loved - something I advise my writing coachees to do when they're starting so they can get the feel of using words and punctuation, a writer's style and/or vibe that they appreciate. And copy only the best to get that feel in your body, heart, soul and mind through your fingers.

You can do that as an experienced writer as well. It's not plagiarizing because you can't submit it to anyone - ever, it's just an exercise.

It feels great to channel a superb writer's use of words, phrasing, story, etc. And I suggest not doing more than a couple pages, because you only want to learn something from the writer in order to enhance your own personal style and work, you don't want to start writing like that particular writer as a habit!

I've been paid for my writing as a professional journalist since I was 18, so I've taken getting paid for that sort of writing for granted. Of course I should get paid.

But the idea that we *should* be paid to write a book, a screenplay, play, or create any artistic work, is often not even considered in a career path. It's *assumed* that we write for nothing until we are "good enough" to be paid.

I don't know about you, but I've seen so many horribly written books published, screenplays and plays produced - paid for - that I've learned being a phenomenal writer alone isn't enough.

Now, I'm not suggesting that anyone be paid for slapping together unprofessional crap by a publisher, producer, or other professional outlet.

I'm suggesting that we, as artists, create a system of understanding that payment is part of being a career artist. So we can get it in our heads - understand that our work has worth - even if it is the most original, independent, obtuse creation - guaranteed never to sell tickets or become part of a valued collection.

At least while we're alive.

It's all part of having a professional attitude toward our work. If we're professional, if we realize that being paid is the end result of our fine work, I think most people will kick up their standards.

Interestingly, I apply professional standards to everything I do - whether I'm paid full fare, or it's work I'm doing on my own dime, a volunteer gig for someone else or something for which I'm being paid less than standard rates.

So here's what I'm suggesting: Find someone to pay you for something you write for which you're ordinarily not paid: a blog, a story, a book, a screenplay, play, whatever.

You can give them the money yourself to pay you, but even if it's a dollar, have them hand you cold, hard, cash for finishing your work!

I'll give a friend 10 one dollar bills, instructing her to pay me one dollar for every blog I finish and publish. All she has to say is, "This is for Monday's blog," and fork over the bill. "This is for Tuesday's blog." Forks over the bill. Etc.

Likewise, any story, screenplay, article, column or other work I write for which I'm not already paid? I'll arrange to collect some dough, baby!

This is a great idea for other art as well.

Finish a painting? Write a monologue? Compose a song? Perform a dance? Create a sensational sculpture? Type "The End" to your script? Do a killer audition?

Say out loud to your willing payment partner: Pay me.

Then collect your money. Even if you've lined up the cash on your desk to collect from yourself! But I think it's better to have a real person fork over the bucks! In fact, you can do this for someone as well. You pay him a dollar for the new chapter he wrote for his book, he pays you for finishing another 10 pages in your screenplay.

To make it *really* professionally complete, I'd also suggest submitting a "bill" to your payer. In essence, that's what King did: he submitted his story to his mom, who, upon reading the original, completed story, paid him.

This could be the start of a phenomenon that alleviates the standard "starving artist" mentality from which so many of us suffer!

It's not that we won't "starve" somewhere along the line, it's that we will prepare ourselves to create a personal system that recognizes we are to be paid.

Expecting it will happen "for real" some day, we'll subconsciously seek out more and different, successful ways to be published, shown or produced because that is the way we see ourselves using this system!

Interestingly, I've read the comments several authors have made about King's book, but none seems to understand: this kid thought his writing was worth being paid for because his mom showed him he was!

Because she gave him a quarter for every story he finished on his own, King developed two fantastic writing work habits: 1) he continued to do what it takes to become a great writer - keep writing and writing and writing. When you've done *that* much writing? Write some more.

And 2) he gained the belief that his writing was worthy of payment! So of course he was going to go about the business of figuring how to get paid for his work when his work left his house!

2007 is all about reaping the rewards!

Unimaginable, fantastic opportunities are meeting all our preparation!

Enjoy!