"Letting go"

One of my actors and I got into a great discussion about the notion of "letting go."

So often, when we face an emotional dilemma, we're told to simply "let go." Or "let it go."

Easier said than done.

I've found that when we attempt to only "let go," we can try to repress or push away our feelings, but residual resentments still build and one day come back in a way we sorely wish they would not! It's as if we've given ourselves a surprise attack because we had no idea all that anger, resentment or hurt was building. We thought we had "let go."

Even visualizing negative thoughts disappearing into the stratosphere, putting them in packages and letting them float downstream or using some other imagined releasing metaphor can still result in those negative thoughts bouncing right back when we least expect them.

Again, this can be infuriating, since we thought we had somehow dealt with the issue - that we had "let it go."

But there it is again, rearing its ugly head.

Here's what I suggested to my actor:

Deal with the issue that makes us feel helpless, fearful or hurt in a way that empowers you, rather than passively trying to "let go."

For example, say you're angry because you're part of a production that, while touted to be a great experience, turns out to be unprofessional, run by someone who actually doesn't know what they're doing - and who won't collaborate and the script stinks. You know what will "fix" the show but they refuse to listen to anyone; it's an ego trip for the folks putting on the show - who are writing, directing and performing in it.

Meanwhile, you're a professional actor surrounded by wannabes who chat and laugh during rehearsals and don't even show up with their lines learned.

While tickets to the show are expensive, none of the actors will be paid, but the unprofessional people "producing" the show will be.

Like, OUCH!

Totally.

And you've been advised to "just let it go," show up for work and keep your mouth shut. Show up for a dozen rehearsals so you can perform in a production that will probably be poorly reviewed and poorly received by audiences.

Because, face it - the script sucks. And those in charge refuse to change a word.

You are pissed.

Do you continue to resent every moment you spend with this endeavor, building anger and bitterness, or do you empower yourself to get back on track to your usual positive outlook and strong self-worth?

O....K. Time for a hearty dose of Coach CP's Esteem Elixir!

Despite the long list of complaints?

Don't be dissuaded or distracted by all the stuff that doesn't matter. Remember we have primary feelings of love and fear. Fear, or fear and hurt=anger.

The *real* issue is that you're being treated disrespectfully (OW!). And unprofessionally (OW!). You - and your potentially face-saving ideas (fear of making a fool of yourself in this stinker) - are rudely discounted as an actor (OW!) and a contributing member of the troupe (OW!). Which in turn makes you feel excluded (OW! - again). All of which=anger.

Identifying those feelings of hurt, fear and anger is the most important part of the empowering process.

You're hurt, angry and fearful that your career is about to get a big ol' bump on the nose because you made the choice to be part of this wacko show without doing enough research on the production team.

Love and fear cannot co-exist at the same moment.

So let's get you back into the love/courage/high self-esteem column.

The first good vibe? A valuable lesson learned. Getting cast for a project (or offered a position) doesn't mean you have to accept the job. Check out the folks doing it. Read the script - and know enough to recognize a bum one, and make sure about what sort of working situation you're becoming part of.

Good vibe#2: Look around - have you learned something from anyone in the group? Something about yourself? Your profession? Acting? Production? Your goals? Your career? Your craft? Chances are you have.

Good vibe #3: Understand you have choices in this situation. Acting, as any art is all about choices.

If it's not too late, you can actually leave the production. Chances are they cast anyone who work free, so your reputation as a pro won't suffer if you hit the road with this group. The question is whether you are a person who wants to see something through to the end, no matter what you have to suffer through - or if there are enough perks to make it worth your while.

The empowering part is that you realize you have the choice. Whatever you decide - stay or go - you are in charge of you. Not them.

I suggest people ask themselves three questions before they decide to accept or not accept a gig: 1. is it good for me personally? 2. is it good for me professionally? 3. is it just a boatload of fun?

In order to accept the gig, you must answer yes to two of those questions.

Looking back, which *two* of these questions can you say "yes" to?

Uh-huh.

Let's see how many of the three you say "absolutely!" to:

Professionally? - no
Personally? - not unless you made a new best friend among the troupe
Fun? -um, absolutely not

At this point, whatever you decide? You should feel good about yourself again, back on track - your anger completely dissipated.

That's how the Phoenix rises from the ashes!

Good luck!

(Gentle Reader - I'll let you know what the actor decided after s/he makes the decision!)

anger

One of the first thing my actors learn from me is that anger is a secondary emotion.

Underlying all anger is either hurt, fear or a combination of both primary emotions.

Unless the actor shows the impetus - thus the layers - of his or her character's anger (hurt, fear or both) the performance is pretty one-dimensional, unconvincing and forgettable.

Showing all the complexities of the character's emotions makes the performance "unexplainably" memorable!

So, next time you get pissed off?

As yourself what hurts ... what you're afraid of ... or what hurts and scares you.

The flip side

When I'm feeling "down," I tend to want to enjoy a little too much comfort food if I don't stay on top of my feelings.

When I remain aware of my pain and breathe through it, I understand I need to eat well in order to help those painful feelings pass a little more quickly than they would if I'm also feeling badly about how I'm treating my body.

I'm so not interested in those feelings of hurt and sadness hanging around a long time. I know they have to be experienced so I can get on the other side of them and back to peaceful and happy - and the only way to get on the other side is to go through them.

Interestingly, Buddhism declares that the reason - and degree to which - we suffer emotionally is caused by our attachment to things and people.

The more we are attached to someone or something, the more apt we are to experience deep sadness, agony and other miserable feelings with their separation.

It's not that we should be free of attachment, but that we rather hold anyone and anything for whom we care lovingly with an open hand rather than imagining that we need to be so close we share the same molecule.

It's sort of like loving unconditionally without stalking the other person or allowing ourselves to be abused, disrespected or neglected.

The point is - no one can be happy 100% of the time, and it's important that we understand how to deal with the flip side - sadness, disappointment, lethargy, gloom, misery, melancholy or heartbreak.

I've learned when we take care of ourselves - as hard as that is during times of woe, the downside passes more quickly. Ultimately. The more we have the courage to experience the pain hitting us instead of trying to avoid it or souping up on our vices - the faster it transports itself out of our system.

I've certainly gone through this process more than I'd care to admit, but have to say it works.

I also know that if it lasts too long, professional help should defintely be sought.

But for the majority, letting ourselves sit with the misery so it can move on instead of fighting it or simply trying to entertain ourselves "out" of it generally works wonders.

Sharing with friends is also a great way to help the unhappy energy pass through a little more quickly. The British expression is, "a problem shared is a problem halved."

I guess the reason it feels lifted is that when we acknowledge the pain and its cause, indentify it and say it out loud, we can release it. Then we can investigate and understand how it happened and how we can prevent it in the future. Or how we can repair the damage, which perhaps is the most healing thing we can do.

As the sadness dissipates, there's now room for good vibes to take their place, and it's important to be with people who can give us positive messages about ourselves.

It takes courage to deal with difficult feelings - and it takes a champion mentality to confront them and then reach out to make an effort to make amends.

Back to Buddhism.

I believe what they mean is that if we don't allow our identity to become so massively enmeshed in someone else's identity or work, when we run into bumps in the road they won't be so deep they outright paralyze us.

People will always disappoint us, sooner or later.

The degree to which we suffer from that disillusionment depends on how deeply we've allowed ourselves to become immersed in someone else's expectations, world, identification or personality.

This is known as "maintaining our personal boundaries." Again, it doesn't mean we remain aloof. Quite the contrary it means that we communicate freely and truthfully, can love openly and honestly without letting another person become our diety, putting them and their needs or wants ahead of or above us.

The relationship is free of fear.

Two people maintaining their personal identities and boundaries have a rich, sharing, wonderful life indeed because there is no fear of loving, sharing, being open or caring because we are constantly learning and healing ourselves and the other person being compassionately empathetic with them.

If we experience ourselves enmeshed in someone or something else, losing ourselves in them somehow -- we leave ourselves open to pretty horrific pain. And it's impossible to do a thing about anyone else's behavior. They either genuinely care or they don't.

When boundaries are maintained and we've shared honestly, openly, unselfishly - we can recognize the danger signs and do someothing about it nearly immediately.

Nothing can protect us ultimately from hurt, sadness and other agonizing emotions from which we must heal. But as long as we have an awareness of our feelings and tools to deal with them, they don't have to hurtle us into pandemonium or hell along with behavior that is other- or self-destructive.

Here's a big virtual blog hug if you're suffering. ;-)

Be well.