coach - don't catch

A writer I know, Kimberly, is a former pooh-bah with a major cosmetology academy.

As we enjoyed a light brunch with our friend and present academy pooh-bah Michelle, Kim shared her secret of supervising success: coach-don't catch.

I told her I think that's a perfect way to describe my coaching methods as well.

What she means is that a good coach does not micromanage or hover over our wards trying to "catch" them making a mistake, screwing up or taking the smallest misstep so the student can be villified for erring.

All that does is make them fearful, preventing them from enhancing their confidence, pursuing their original creations and individual ideas using the basics.

Coaching, on the other hand, encourages the student to excel beyond their expectations, using praise and guidance, while helping them understand how the basics must be considered first, even if - or especially when - your particular style breaks a few of those rules.

I recalled I once helped an entire group of my actors remember to always bring their 3x5 cards to our sessions (they have all the basics they need to remember for every audition and performance written out on them), and have them ready to review so we can begin the session fully prepared.

The cards were accepted as a huge help for my actors to deal with every sort of audition and performance. Each is filled out with personal notes unique for each individual actor to remind them of the basics and any idiosyncratic tips needed to help their portrayal, whether it be for a commercial, comedy, drama or animation character.

Trouble is, for some reason, as often as I reminded them to have them out and ready to use to start the session, they kept forgetting them. It cost us time when they started their coaching sessions.

What's a coach to do? I didn't want to "catch" them, I wanted them to be responsible for their own simple professional action.

So, one day, as they approached my door, one at a time, throughout the day and evening, they were greeted with a large sign: "If you don't have your 3x5 cards with you, ready to use when you come in, please do not enter ... and you will be charged for this session."

It was hard to see so many give themselves a "I coulda had a V-8!" head smack as they turned away - never to forget their cards again. But those who were prepared came in waving their cards were on top of the world and they absolutely excelled at their sessions.

I never had to mention the cards again, and they continued to perfect the information written on them as they encountered more and different challenges for which they needed a small reminder.

Gold stars also work.

I give the talented youngsters with whom I work a little gold star - sticking it on the middle of their forehead when they do a great job. Which, frankly, was every time I worked with them because I only work with talented, professional kids. I don't think most kids belong in the business - especially those with stage parents.

Interestingly, as the adults entered, they would see the kids leave with their little gold star proudly displayed above a glowing smile. At the end of my sessions with the adults, they'd linger just a moment longer than ... I wasn't sure what they were trying to tell me.

I wasn't picking up on something.

Finally, I would see them staring at the sheet of gold stars.

I asked, a little incredulously, "Would you like a gold star?"

They would beam, "Yes!" Then, haltingly, "At least, you know, if you think I deserve it."

At first I wondered if they were putting me on. But I went along, "Um, yeah, right. Absolutely. You do. Here..."

Smack. Gold star.

They would be so pleased. I'm talking full grown adults, here - older, all races, genders, political persuasions, sexual orientations-

Directors, are you listening? ;-)

It was so touching to see them eagerly await their "report card," and how they would smile brightly after it was bestowed. Believe me, they worked hard for those stars. I think they felt somehow accomplished, appreciated and nurtured with that little star.

The parents in the group would look forward to showing their kids what they had earned in their sessions.

Somehow, I felt a little nurtured myself.

And appreciated.

And feeling a bit like I was in an out-of-body episode of the camera acting coaching version of "Scrubs."

I imagined I played a really nice, non-catching version of Dr. Cox.

;-)

Changing the world 1 positive reinforcement at a time!

As a coach, I love to learn how people have taught themselves to do things they thought beyond their reach, ability, willpower or capacity.

Lots of folks talk and write about changes they've made, but most of them don't last. They're merely short-term transitions rather than long term transformations. And there's usually lots more to the story than they're telling - and it's not positive.

Recently Carnie Wilson told Oprah Winfrey that after dropping more than 150 pounds after serious weight loss surgery and telling everyone how great it was to be slender? Behind the scenes she became a raging alcoholic - stopping after several years only because her husband gave her an ultimatum to quit drinking or he would leave her.

So many others have similar stories of temporary "recovery" from all sorts of addictions, destructive and self-destructive behaviors -- and after their seemingly astonishing success, they return to identical or worse self and other-abusive behavior. Often repeating this cycle more than once.

No more public example of this is Oprah herself.

So what can make for a successful learning experience that lasts?

And lasts and lasts?

The Seattle Times recently ran a story about a woman who lost weight because she loved herself enough to eat properly and exercise.

She realized the reason she initially tried to lose weight was because she hated herself - the way she looked and felt, the way she believed others perceived her.

But all the methods she tried, again and again, failed. So she beat herself up for 1) being fat, 2) looking the way she did, 3) feeling incapable of becoming who she wanted to be and finally, 4) feeling like a failure.

Until she decided she would eat well and exercise because she loved herself enough to be good to herself and accept herself unconditionally. She dedicated herself to learn how to do what's best for her body and soul, giving herself positive reinforcement every step of the way.

So all these years later, the 60 pounds is still off - a distant memory - because she kept giving herself positive reinforcement, support and appreciation for who she was and everything she did to love herself.

Negative reinforcement doesn't work because it's done to prevent perceived and real abuse or punishment of some sort. The change is usually instant and fleeting.

Positive reinforcement works in the long run 100%.

In my experience, it takes longer to establish a solid ground work and system of individual positive reinforcement from which to work and grow. But once it's solid? It sticks.

Unfortunately, some people are actually uncomfortable with positive reinforcement - they believe unless you're smacking them upside the head they aren't being "pushed" enough.

Others don't believe they're worthy of such good treatment.

One of my coaching techniques is to say a word, then have my client say whatever that word inspires. After they respond, no matter what they say, I respond, "Good."

It's meant to inspire confidence for whatever their response might be, to build a sense that their response is just fine - they don't have to "edit" themselves in order to be "approved."

Here's how it works:

CP: Wood.
Client: Shed.
CP: Good!

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

It's amazing how terrifically it makes people feel to do this exercise even for a few minutes.

I then suggest they tell themselves, "Good job!" a million times a day - for every tiny little success they achieve.

Like this:

You finish brushing your teeth. "Good job!"
You wash your hands. "Good job!"
You arrive at a destination, accident-free. "Good job!"
You pay a bill. "Good job!"
You mail the bill. "Good job!"
You find that (something) you've been looking for. "Good job!"
You help your kid with homework. "Good job!"
You make a healthy choice at a meal. "Good job!"
You practice piano. "Good job!"
You sing! "Good job!"
You take a walk - even if it's inside your apartment. "Good job!"
You decide to do something to spiff up your relationship. "Good job!"
You actually do something to spiff up your relationship. "Good job!"
You decide to leave an unhealthy relationshp. "Good job!"
You actually leave that unhealthy relationship. "Good job!"
You do one part of your acting homework. "Good job!"
Make a list of your own of things to which you can respond. "Good job!"

You read my blog? "Good job!" ;-)