Pact Mentality

"Hollywood films Juno and Knocked Up blamed as teenagers race to become mothers" read the sensational headline in the British newspaper The Times of London last week.

It seems 17 teen age girls, some younger than 16, the age of consent in Gloucester, Massachusetts, made a pact to become pregnant at the same time so they could "raise their children together." According to CNN reports, there was severe peer pressure among the girls at the school to become pregnant to join .. to belong to the pact.

One father said that his daughter was either scared .. or strong enough .. to refuse when she told her parents about the pressure the girls were putting on her.

The school nurse reported girls being "disappointed" when their pregnancy tests came back negative - more than 150 tests were requested at the school.

I recall a rash of teen pregnancies several years ago, where the reason given by most of the pregnant girls was that they wanted to get pregnant to have someone "love them" for the rest of their lives. Not someone *to* love. But someone to *love them.*

The article says one of the fathers is a homeless 24 year old man, other fathers in their mid-20's. Some are outraged at the men, saying they should at the very least be financially accountable as fathers and at the most put in jail for impregnating the girls under 16. That's statutory rape.

The correspondent, with the regrettable-for-this-story name of James Bone, is only one of many columnists and pundits who claim that recent films "Juno" and "Knocked Up" may have been the inspiration for such a pact.

In Juno, actress Ellen Page stars as a teenager who finds herself pregnant through carelessness and ignorance. She decides to have the baby in order to give it to someone who can care for and nurture the new life properly, with all its attending responsibilities. Her family supports and loves her through her pregnancy; classmates and friends accept her situation.

The Diablo Cody script received an Academy Award last year.

"Knocked Up" is about a slacker who impregnates an otherwise responsible, mature woman with a solid career because both were careless and irresponsible. Unlike in most similar real life situations, he learns to grow up and take responsibility for his behavior.

More, the teen pregnancy of Jamie Lynn Spears, Briteny Spears' younger sister, is said to have influenced many girls, because Spears has been the focus of special interest, and even though her mother has agreed to raise the baby, Jamie Lynn's actions were not seen to have many negative ramifications, other than interrupting her show business career as the star of the sitcom Zoey 101.

Meanwhile, back at Gloucester High School, there was a call for issuing contraceptives to the youngsters without parental consent ... that was nixed because most are Roman Catholics in the fishing village.

The Times of London article says that the school superintendent doesn't blame Hollywood. No, Christopher Farmer believes the real cause is that these young women have no sense of purpose or direction, that they lack self-esteem and affection.

Bingo.

I would have added to Christopher Farmer's list: they lack a sense of belonging.

"Pact" mentality seems to be a popular among many American youngsters today, regardless of its reason.

I see it as trying to gain a sense of belonging, in whatever way they can.

Gangs provide a "pact mentality" with a strong sense of belonging; it's the primary reason kids hook up with them. Belonging then gives kids a purpose - even if that purpose is malevolent. Even if their chances of being maimed or killed are astronomical. They can die feeling they did it for their gang family.

Family is a place where a sense of belonging is supposed to start. Too many kids aren't feeling as if they belong in their own families. Among the million reasons why the don't feel they fit in or belong is not being accepted for who they are by their parents or extended family. Feeling isolated, and in turn feeling bad about themselves, which leads to a lack of self esteem, a lack of purpose or direction as well as a lack of affection. Withholding affection is no way to "punish" a child.

How many kids have "good homes," but behind closed doors are not accepted for who they are, who are told they are supposed to be, essentially, someone else? Denying a kid a sense of self, acceptance and their true identity is a recipe for kids seeking acceptance, love and support somewhere else.

Enter Hollywood.

Sometimes adult intentions when writing for or about kids are good, but because kids don't perceive things the way adults do, the message becomes garbled or misinterpreted.

Writer-director-producer John Singleton created the film Boyz N the Hood, a breakout film that showed the mean, gritty gang culture and how his hero, the protagonist, was able to leave that horrible lifestyle behind, to be a positive influence and have a life contributing to the world.

That's how adults saw the film. Gang bangers saw it as a glamorization of their lives; they experience the hero as "weak" "meek" and wimpy -- adults would experience that young man as having more courage than any gang banger.

Because of this, sadly, after seeing the well-intended film, several fights broke out, shootings occurred and some theaters refused to show the film because of it.

In Juno, I can see girls thinking that getting pregnant is a good way to get special attention and love, and end up with a boyfriend/husband as the teenager did in the film.

Its star, Ellen Page, would do everything to refrain from getting pregnant at her age because she has a purpose - a direction, a career and is getting lots of affirmation for her talent and skills.

Those of us who see it as "just a movie" understand that.

But for vulnerable kids desperate for love, positive attention, direction and purpose, who knows how they perceive so much of what they're exposed to in this media-saturated culture. They seek out answers from media instead of the people from whom they need to get real information. A genuine reality check.

Many, if not most adults, did not understand Napoleon Dynamite. The kids did. And absolutely loved Napoleon and the film. He was a kid who didn't fit in and was seen as a slacker because he had no purpose or direction, but who came through for his friend in what could have been the most humiliating way - and was therefore a real hero to them.

I don't "blame Hollywood" .. but I do feel that media influences people -- especially kids -- in intended and unintended ways when a vulnerable, needy individual is exposed to it.

Intended .. through advertising. Commercials and ads want to affect your behavior and actions -- to buy their products. Many companies enjoy a healthy bottom line because of their advertising.

Unintended through the examples I've already cited.

In the film, The Whole Truth, for which I'm the writer-director-co-producer, I originally included a specific purebred puppy for one of the lead characters because they are *so* unbelievably cute and smart.

I have since replaced that purebred with a rescued mutt puppy from the animal shelter because I knew puppy mills would go crazy for the purebred, wrecking little pups because of their hateful breeding systems, because kids would want them and while puppies may not be babies, they take a heck of a lot of attention, socializing and training to live happily ever after.

Most dogs end up in shelters because they are brought home as puppies, not socialized or trained properly and become pests because they've not had enough attention or proper care.

I remember the nightmare of Dalmatians besieging pet shelters because kids wanted one after seeing 101 Dalmatians. They are a special breed, prone to deafness and other problems, so they need special attention.

No doubt the puppy mill runners carelessly bred them as well, creating more physical and psychological problems. When the puppies turned into work? They were literally dumped at shelters all over the world.

The moral of the story in 101 Dalmatians got lost on little minds; they just saw the cute puppies and wanted one.

Should that film not have been made?

Of course not .. but parents needed to help their kids understand that any puppy is in need of lots of time, care and attention. Especially feeding, watering and picking up their poop. That would have been a great problem-solving exercise for kids to understand whether they were ready to get a dog, because the vast majority of people who bought those puppies couldn't handle them when they grew up.

So they took them to shelters (or worse - released them alongside country roads) that had to euthanize them because there were too many to care for; rescue facilities were already overcrowded.

In short, these films make great family discussions and can lead to some very positive interactions and actions by the kids. If kids want a puppy after seeing our film, at least they've seen how much care they need.

Without these discussions, kids will see what they want to see, hear what they think they hear and take actions that may well not be in their best interests.

Something to consider. Feel free to respond!

The path to personal power

"Three things" is an exercise I've suggested to folks attending seminars I've conducted for The Artist's Way, The 100% Solution and others intended to boost self esteem and getting us in touch with all the intelligence and power we never use.

It's said that we use *less* than 10% of our intelligence in everyday life. That's less than 10% of the intelligence we are capable of using. What's going on with the other 90%? It sits there, lying fallow, subject to atrophy or disappearing.

If you've watched any of the American PBS series on the brain, science has proved at this point that the way to keep our mind sharp is to continuously learn new things.

To expose ours brains to new information, skills, ideas, subjects, activites and problems to solve.

This means new *different* data and movement.

For example, if you play piano, it doesn't mean learn new piano pieces, it means pick up the guitar as well. Learning new piano pieces keeps you where you are, taking on a new instrument fires up your brain to be more responsive, faster and actually smarter. Especially as we age.

Now, here's the "Three Things" exercise:

1) For every single thing you do, dream up two more ways to execute them, perform them, do them. 2) For every thought you have, dream up two more ways to think or respond to what's going on.

If you wake up when your alarm clock goes off, think of two other ways to get yourself up. You can have someone call you, wake up on your own, wait until your pup or kitty jumps on you or licks your face, set your cell phone, get a sunlight lamp to waken you.

If you ordinarily get out of bed by pouring yourself out on the left side of the bed? Think of two other ways you can get your feet on the floor. Get out on the right side, get off at the end of the bed. Two other ways.

If you ordinarily start your day by thinking about how you dread going to work, create two other thoughts to kick off the first day of the rest of your life.

If you ordinarily get pissed when someone cuts you off in traffic, think of two other responses you can have to the event, like: 1) Nice. Time to slow down and smell the roses. Or, 2) Guess I can't say anything - I've accidentally done the same thing myself and more than once.

Now when it comes to the "doing" - you don't have to actually do anything differently, you just have to come up with two other ways you could.

So if you ordinarily have cornflakes for breakfast and think of two other things you could eat - soft boiled eggs or yogurt - you don't actually have to consume either of the other two choices. But before you chow down your flakes, be sure to consider your alternatives.

I can guarantee you, as you get started, you can't do this for more than a couple hours - if that - before you get tired, because we're not practiced in the habit of coming up with other choices; we usually do "the same old thing," and wonder how we wake up one day in the place we are - finding ourselves in a rut.

For artitsts? If you always use blues, why not reds? Yellows? Greens? New mixtures?

For writers? If your protagonist is always in Los Angeles, why not Paris? Why not Geneva?

Mind you, if you make your living photographing flowers, that's terrific. But think of two different objects to shoot as you do this and you'll always come up with a fresh angle and see your subjects with new eyes.

If you only write books, why not explore a screenplay, a poem, a lyric? Most writers I know create work for all genres and mediums. I think it keeps us and our work fresh.

Likewise, as a writer, I work alone long periods of time. That's why it's fun for me to coach people one on one as well as do occasional seminars and attend social engagements surrounded by people.

As a writer, director and coach, I'm in charge. I like doing things where I am just one of the bunch, not in a leader position or have anything to say about anything. I like to think of myself as an equally good teacher, student and observer.

The outcome of doing this exercise - at least beginning your day doing it - is twofold.

First, you'll be thrilled at how powerful you are! It is shocking to experience all the power we can use when we choose.

Second, you'll be totally bummed by thinking about all the personal power never used, all the missed opportunities and brainpower we've wasted.

But here's a way to ramp up your mind, your self-esteem, your relationships, job, dreams, goals, everything.

If you're feeling trapped, pour on the Three Things exercise about anything and everything until you start coming up with other ways to manage your life that don't include captivity.

Brain power!

Wanna be courageous?

Long ago I said "the way we deal with fear defines who we are. When abject fear strikes, the courageous or the coward immediately emerges."

As living people and as characters created by writers and actors.

When we find that nexus, where the fear hits the fan, we've defined the core of a person - created or real.

I love talking to my younger actors about this because I ask them, do you want to live in fear, or do you want to be courageous.

They *all* want to be courageous, of course!

So how do you do that?

Because we all hit the wall of fear, and often.

All we need to do is take action.

I don't mean to take a BIG action, because that it in itself will only generate more fear. I mean to take a little action. Tiny, even.

Asking a tiny question might be a good start. Like, "Why am I so afraid?" Just asking that question is taking a big, courageous step, because the answer is going to tell you exactly what action needs to be taken.

Say you're afraid to find out if the person you're dating really cares about you. You're afraid to outright ask because she or he might not care for you as much as you care for him or her. The thought of outright asking only generates more fear.

Honestly? If you have that fear? Um, you may be looking at your fear to look at the truth you know in your heart of hearts.

While you might be afraid of "losing" this person - trust me, living in the truth feels a heck of a lot better than being afraid of the (certain) future!

You have to trust your gut feeling. If something feels wrong, like something is missing or not being said, you need to find out why something feels wrong, what is missing, what is not being said.

You can take tiny actions that take you out of the fear, like ask a simple, single question that would give you an indication of what you are dealing with. Mind you, if your partner really cared about you or were genuinely functional, he or she would simply tell you instead of going into a turtle shell about .. whatever is actually going on.

Remember, when we are afraid to give someone bad news or tell the truth, it's never really about them, much as we want to believe it's about sparing their feelings. It's really about the fear of dealing with the perceived reaction of the other person to what we want to do or say.

The simple, single question to ask might be as short and clear and truthful as, "Something feels off with us. Are you afraid to tell me what's really going on?"

If it's "no," and they share, relieved that you've given the opening, you can prepare for the best - to learn what you need to help create a happy, functional relationship.

If it's "yes," they're afraid to tell you, you can prepare yourself for the worst, including how to communicate about the situation or problems, or make plans to move on, even if it hurts like hell. Who wants to be around someone who doesn't want to be with you? If you do, unfortunately, you appear desperate and massively self-esteem-less, even if you believe you are "meant for each other."

If you are facing a huge problem, how can you break it down into TINY particles to solve, rather than taking on the whole issue at once?

If you're facing a huge homework assignment, how can you break it down into TINY tasks you can complete, building up to the larger assignment completion.

If you're Captain Jack Sparrow, you can you protect yourself by taking on the weakest would-be assailant first (say, the wee monkey), before fighting the bigger guys. Or detect the weakness in an opponent before fighting his/her strengths (which, hopefully, you won't have to because you will have taken advantage of his weakness enough to outsmart, outwit and outfight him!).

Break it down.

And here's another secret: you can take a tiny action about something that has nothing to do with the problem to build your courage!

You can take an action you find simple or easy completely unrelated to what you find difficult, hurtful or challenging, and find that you feel more capable ... and courageous.

If it's a difficult thing you have to say to someone? Have the courage to tell the person honestly - without making honesty a weapon. What you may do is break down what you have to say in a way that makes you responsible for your own feelings and going for what you want without blaming anyone else; and prepare yourself for whatever response you receive.

Better to experience the pain of courage momentarily than live in the agony of fear and/or shame forever.

As our close literate buddy Will Shakespeare put it, "A coward dies a thousand deaths, the hero only one."

Changing the world 1 positive reinforcement at a time!

As a coach, I love to learn how people have taught themselves to do things they thought beyond their reach, ability, willpower or capacity.

Lots of folks talk and write about changes they've made, but most of them don't last. They're merely short-term transitions rather than long term transformations. And there's usually lots more to the story than they're telling - and it's not positive.

Recently Carnie Wilson told Oprah Winfrey that after dropping more than 150 pounds after serious weight loss surgery and telling everyone how great it was to be slender? Behind the scenes she became a raging alcoholic - stopping after several years only because her husband gave her an ultimatum to quit drinking or he would leave her.

So many others have similar stories of temporary "recovery" from all sorts of addictions, destructive and self-destructive behaviors -- and after their seemingly astonishing success, they return to identical or worse self and other-abusive behavior. Often repeating this cycle more than once.

No more public example of this is Oprah herself.

So what can make for a successful learning experience that lasts?

And lasts and lasts?

The Seattle Times recently ran a story about a woman who lost weight because she loved herself enough to eat properly and exercise.

She realized the reason she initially tried to lose weight was because she hated herself - the way she looked and felt, the way she believed others perceived her.

But all the methods she tried, again and again, failed. So she beat herself up for 1) being fat, 2) looking the way she did, 3) feeling incapable of becoming who she wanted to be and finally, 4) feeling like a failure.

Until she decided she would eat well and exercise because she loved herself enough to be good to herself and accept herself unconditionally. She dedicated herself to learn how to do what's best for her body and soul, giving herself positive reinforcement every step of the way.

So all these years later, the 60 pounds is still off - a distant memory - because she kept giving herself positive reinforcement, support and appreciation for who she was and everything she did to love herself.

Negative reinforcement doesn't work because it's done to prevent perceived and real abuse or punishment of some sort. The change is usually instant and fleeting.

Positive reinforcement works in the long run 100%.

In my experience, it takes longer to establish a solid ground work and system of individual positive reinforcement from which to work and grow. But once it's solid? It sticks.

Unfortunately, some people are actually uncomfortable with positive reinforcement - they believe unless you're smacking them upside the head they aren't being "pushed" enough.

Others don't believe they're worthy of such good treatment.

One of my coaching techniques is to say a word, then have my client say whatever that word inspires. After they respond, no matter what they say, I respond, "Good."

It's meant to inspire confidence for whatever their response might be, to build a sense that their response is just fine - they don't have to "edit" themselves in order to be "approved."

Here's how it works:

CP: Wood.
Client: Shed.
CP: Good!

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

It's amazing how terrifically it makes people feel to do this exercise even for a few minutes.

I then suggest they tell themselves, "Good job!" a million times a day - for every tiny little success they achieve.

Like this:

You finish brushing your teeth. "Good job!"
You wash your hands. "Good job!"
You arrive at a destination, accident-free. "Good job!"
You pay a bill. "Good job!"
You mail the bill. "Good job!"
You find that (something) you've been looking for. "Good job!"
You help your kid with homework. "Good job!"
You make a healthy choice at a meal. "Good job!"
You practice piano. "Good job!"
You sing! "Good job!"
You take a walk - even if it's inside your apartment. "Good job!"
You decide to do something to spiff up your relationship. "Good job!"
You actually do something to spiff up your relationship. "Good job!"
You decide to leave an unhealthy relationshp. "Good job!"
You actually leave that unhealthy relationship. "Good job!"
You do one part of your acting homework. "Good job!"
Make a list of your own of things to which you can respond. "Good job!"

You read my blog? "Good job!" ;-)